I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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