Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

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(206): View more from Washington

I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(509): View more from Washington

The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(518): View more from New York

I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.

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(904): View more from Florida

He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"

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