i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
