omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
