This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
