So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
