i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
