one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
