I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
