I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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