It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
