it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
