rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
