Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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