My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
