Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize