I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
