A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
