He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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