I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
