Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
