dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize