My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
