Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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