I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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