my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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