If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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