Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
