I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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