How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
