as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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