I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize