Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
