mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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