Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize