ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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