just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
