sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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