i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
