Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
