My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
