god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
