did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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