Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Operation Purity has been aborted
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
