Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
