do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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