just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
