just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
