Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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