I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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