NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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