I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I showed him my bush... on skype.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
