ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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