And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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