The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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