hotel room ftw
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize