just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
