Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
