I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
